Last night I had friends over for dinner. I text that the dress code was, ‘Chronic Illness Casual’ and ‘just bring wine’. Life has been way too hectic lately to try and shower and look pretty and wear a push up bra while cooking chicken. It was sweatpants and wrap sweaters and microwaveable sidedishes from Trader Joes. Eat up! Pour me a drink!
Today is the follow up MRI and I am reminding myself to breathe and to live in this present moment. At this moment our only illness is HIV. And he is doing better every single day. So that’s where we’re at right now. But it’s hard and I’m just not looking for it to get harder. And really…not that there’s ever a good time to possibly be facing cancer but, Christmas time? REALLY!? I can’t make it through a Carpenters song for shit right now and I’d like to watch The Family Stone but I think I would drown in my own snot and tears if I attempted that.
And ya know what’s really hilarious?! My Shrink is booked until February! FEBRUARY! I was trying to get in to talk through some of this nonsense, (because when you ask for Ambien for Christmas you probably should seek some professional help) and his receptionist (don’t even get me started on her) asked me “WHY” I wanted to come in. I didn’t have the heart….or the energy…to explain and frankly it was none of her damn business so I just classified it as an “emergency” which I assume all crazy people do. But HIV is a little bit more pressing than hoarding or not being able to get the voices to stop so maybe I should’ve mentioned my illness to get to the top of the list. Instead I just got my Prozac refilled and hoped for the best. I feel like a hack though because here’s my Husband…the one that might have cancer…waiting, and if he is worried, you’d never know it. He’s feeling well, he’s chipper, he’s doing the laundry again (THANK GOD!) and I’m crying in grocery stores and buying lavender and beads. And I guess you’re not supposed to cry to your Husband that you’re scared he’s going to die but, I rarely do things the way you’re supposed to, why would I start now?!
hivishilarious 
What I wouldn’t give to have someone… sick or well… to go through this with! After diagnosis everyone just trickled away and I feel so much envy for anyone who has someone.
Think positive thoughts… as long as you have each other to lean on, you’re way ahead of the game.
Betsy-
If you ever need someone to talk to, please know I am here for you. xoxo