Archive | January, 2012

Ambien Sounds

4 Jan

Everyone knows people dealing with chronic illness, or illness of any kind really, need their sleep.  That’s why I choose Ambien.  Or Xanax.  Or wine.  Honestly, I choose to be unconscience before 10:30pm.  I love sleeping.  And often times I either can’t get to sleep or I can’t stay asleep and for me it’s vital that I do.  Fatigue is easily the most difficult aspect of HIV for me to cope with.  You know, aside from society viewing those of us who are positive as disease ridden whores. 

Well usually I know enough to take my Ambien, close my eyes, and drift off like a good little girl.  Last night, however, I decided to plow forward and stay awake to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  5 Minutes into the movie I began to notice the light beaming from Russell Brand and the fact that I had 11 fingers on my right hand!  I found this really exciting.  My Husband, the one who spent his entire day investigating his possible cancer and scheduling his surgery who has now convinced himself that I have cancer too- he was not so amused.  Once I finally started falling asleep I was repeatedly awoken by him asking if we should go to the hospital.  He didn’t know that when you wait too long to sleep the Ambien starts to make you a tad Timothy Leary and so naturally, he was worried that I thought I had 11fingers.

When he left for work early this morning he turned on “the big light” in our bedroom.  A big no, no when I am sleeping.  He woke me up, a bigger no, no-  and asked if I was ok.  I felt horrible.  What an asshole I was to make him worry about me like that.  As a result, from the time he left to the time my alarm went off, I was wide awake.  Serves me right.

I guess its back to melatonin and chamomile tea.  And 5 fingers on each hand.


Cancer, Kale, and What I Wore

4 Jan

I started writing a  reflective, tragic, Nicholas Sparks type a’ draft for this blog earlier today and it was so doom and gloom I ordered some sushi, chanted to a little Florence and The Machine and decided to start fresh.

As many of you know HIV is hilarious.  But Cancer is fucking bat shit crazy. Upon our diagnosis we obviously cried a lot initially because things felt pretty bleak.  One of my favorite comforting sayings to my Husband was, “ya know babe, this isn’t that bad! If we had pancreatic cancer we’d really be shit outta luck!”.  Why do I allow myself to speak?  A month later, there we sat in a hospital with the C-word chasing after us- chasing after him- with me powerless to fight it off.  But as with HIV, I know knowledge is power and ignorance is a one way ticket to demise.  I’ve quickly become an authority on all things vegan and raw and I can make you a green juice that will knock your socks off and liven up your liver qi.  I know I will help heal my husband no matter what his diagnosis.  I am reading so many incredible, inspiring works on raw, living foods and we have both adopted a mostly Vegan diet.I’m anxious to see how our TCells and Viral Loads change over the next few follow ups and I will keep you all posted with any advances. 

 Brenda Cobb, who wrote the Living Foods Lifestyle and founded the Living Foods Institute has had many clients come to her with full-blown AIDS and leave her care with undetectable viral loads.  I’m not saying its a cure-all or by any means a guarantee but certainly a little kale and some wheat grass is worth looking into, right?!  If we have a disease which by definition is an, “immune deficiency” than it should only make sense that we can reverse it and begin to heal or at least help ourselves live a healthier life by strengthening our immune systems as much as possible and pushing them into high gear. 

I sit in support groups and read blogs and message board postings from positive people who drink soda and eat shit and, “feel great” and I can’t help but shake my head and raise my eye brow because I don’t want to tell anyone how to live.  I have had my share of days where I’ve had more than one big mac and said,  “yes” to two pies for one dollar but as Oprah says Maya Angelou says, “when ya know better ya do better”.  And I know better.  And since I know I have a chronic illness which could potentially ravage my immune system, imma do better. Shouldn’t we all?  Sometimes as I’ve sat in my women’s group, sipping Kombucha with a Slippery Elm lozenge on my tongue and rice crackers in my pocket it has taken everything in me not to jump across the table and rip the Pringles out of one of my HIV positive lady friends’ hands.  Or at least pass her the bible, aka Kris Carr’s ‘Crazy, Sexy, Diet’.  And again, I’m no angel….I ate a thing of nachos all by m’self, alone, in my car yesterday.  But they were vegan. 

And I had green juice for dinner.

Also?  I’ve decreased my Prozac dosage BIG time and I’m doing incredibly well.  I can get thru the week with a nice flow of healthy emotions on about two pills a week.  I used to take one pill a day! BAM! And most importantly….my belly pooch has vanished.  Yes ladies and gents, screw emotional well-being.  I have a flat stomach. 

What lifestyle choices are working for you? And are they really working for you?  Do you know better, and can you do better and give yourself a better quality of life?  Let me know where you’re at and lets swap recipes for tempeh and sautéed kale!

Be well my loves.  Keep in touch. Eat your veggies!!!!

Love you!