Archive | December, 2011

Bring Wine

16 Dec

Last night I had friends over for dinner.  I text that the dress code was, ‘Chronic Illness Casual’ and ‘just bring wine’.  Life has been way too hectic lately to try and shower and look pretty and wear a push up bra while cooking chicken.  It was sweatpants and wrap sweaters and microwaveable sidedishes from Trader Joes.  Eat up! Pour me a drink!

Today is the follow up MRI and I am reminding myself to breathe and to live in this present moment.  At this moment our only illness is HIV.  And he is doing better every single day.  So that’s where we’re at right now.  But it’s hard and I’m just not looking for it to get harder.  And really…not that there’s ever a good time to possibly be facing cancer but, Christmas time? REALLY!? I can’t make it through a Carpenters song for shit right now and I’d like to watch  The Family Stone but I think I would drown in my own snot and tears if I attempted that. 

And ya know what’s really hilarious?! My Shrink is booked until February! FEBRUARY! I was trying to get in to talk through some of this nonsense, (because when you ask for Ambien for Christmas you probably should seek some professional help) and his receptionist (don’t even get me started on her) asked me “WHY” I wanted to come in.  I didn’t have the heart….or the energy…to explain and frankly it was none of her damn business so I just classified it as an “emergency” which I assume all crazy people do.  But HIV is a little bit more pressing than hoarding or not being able to get the voices to stop so maybe I should’ve mentioned my illness to get to the top of the list.  Instead I just got my Prozac refilled and hoped for the best.  I feel like a hack though because here’s my Husband…the one that might have cancer…waiting, and if he is worried, you’d never know it.  He’s feeling well, he’s chipper, he’s doing the laundry again (THANK GOD!) and I’m crying in grocery stores and buying lavender and beads.  And I guess you’re not supposed to cry to your Husband that you’re scared he’s going to die but, I rarely do things the way you’re supposed to, why would I start now?! 



Mother Mary Comes To Me…

7 Dec

My Husband’s Mother passed away some years ago.  I have heard from everyone who knew her that she was the best.  I always wanted a guardian angel.  Maybe I had had one and didn’t know it.  But from the time I met my Husband I felt his Mother’s presence around me often.  It was something I’ve never experienced before….I have heard her voice, I have felt her wrap her arms around me.  I know she and I would love each other.  I know she loves how much I love her son. And I believe she watches over us constantly.

And she has been the one I prayed to these last few days.  I prayed for her to come and take her boys pain and possible illness.  I prayed for her to make this train stop and let us get off.  I prayed for her to help me be calm.  And she did.  I know it was no coincidence that the 2 women who have come to give my Husband (a lapse catholic) communion in his room shared the same name as his mother.  And I felt her there today as we prayed. 


Thank you all so much for your love, support, and offering to clean for me 🙂