The 4pm Veil of Misery

22 Nov

Hi Everyone!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend.  I hope you were kind to yourselves and those you love.  My weekend was at times blissfully happy and at times like a scene out of Postcards From The Edge.  

I’m prepping a healthy, blood sugar stabilizing snack in anticipation of what I have come to call the, “4pm Veil of Misery”. 

 As you’ll recall upon hearing of my diagnosis I made the genius decision to go off prozac.  It was quite possibly one of the dumbest things I ever did. Ever.  But in my mind the decision making process went something like this, “You need to keep your body really clean and healthy- prozac is bad and dirty!” And then I experienced the single most traumatic thing to happen to me in my life without the benefit of the one thing that was stabilizing my emotional well-being. No. Bueno. So even this past week when I started back on the prozac…I guess my body was taking it’s time getting back on the board because the mood swings were intolerable.  There was crying, there were texts to really bad people, there was the suggestion that my Husband and I seperate….it was really not cute at all.    I just was having a really hard time of continuing to “process” all of this when I can’t know what it’s going to look like until next Monday. That’s when we go back for our test results and to find out what medications we start and what the cost looks like.  I need facts and numbers, I need to know what I’m budgeting for.  I need to know.

So…after I cried through 80% of my Saturday.  Made my Husband cry.  Cried with my Husband.  Went to bed.  I woke up with the intention to stop crying, start living.  Get this shit as much in control as the present moment allows.  Cook the healthy, nutrituous, foods that keep us well.  Clean up the damn kitchen.  Let my Husband help out with the chores.  And the greatest gift of all- a private yoga session with a beloved friend and incredible teacher.  It was so nice to do something just for me that I knew was going to greatly improve my quality of life hiv or not.  We also did a guided meditation at the end that finally took me out of my problem and centered me deep in my own healing.  I felt the warm light within and for a whole hour I didn’t think about my hiv.  NAMASTE! It was sublime.  

*Incidentally- you can also do your own meditation.  That is my favorite podcast.  I find Mary Maddux’s voice to be incredibly soothing and the meditations are so helpful to me.  If like me you find it difficult to dwell on other things this might be a wonderful idea for you.  Meditation is a great tool for re-focusing your energy.  You can also find Meditation Oasis on Itunes.*

SIDEBAR….the gel is off the nails now and they are bloody stumps.  STUMPS. 

I also had my first session of acupuncture yesterday. It didn’t hurt.  I don’t know yet if it helped.  I felt pretty shitty afterward yesterday but perhaps that’s part of the process.  I went home and watch GIGOLOS on Showtime….that always makes me feel better.  I also resisted the urge to stop at McDonalds for a Number 1.  Medium. Hi C Orange. No Ice.  IN FACT! I just had an epiphany….I’m abstaining from BigMacs until my HIV Birthday next year 🙂 How about them apples!?!  I will if you will.

Love you!




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